im not sure

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
u hold my hand.
u hug me.
u kiss me.
u close to me.
u touch me.
u laugh me.
u tease me.
but im not sure.
if all that is what i feel.
because when i look back, everything just not as good as it seems.
before your door open for me, u already build a wall in front.
apparently that wall is defending yourself of what will hurt you.
including me.
before the flower bloom, u already accuse the flower is poison.
isnt that flower trying to bloom beautiful innocently killed by you?
its sad.
its hurt.
its upsetting.
if you think that all of the flowers in the world are the same,
then i'll be one of them because you just never give a chance see the difference in me among them.
i'll just wait someone that can see me that i'm different and unique.
because i have feeling.
i want to feel special.
i want to feel i'm different.
i want to feel i'm unique of my own talent.
just like how i will love a person.
i will make that person, the only one in this world.
if only, the door is open for me...

line in between

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
its been a while since my last post.
life have been up and down.
ups and downs.
thats life isn't?
theres times i wana blog it out whats hidden in my heart.
but just cant get the chance to do so.
and now everything change.
everything change from the very first post.
when i turn back the pages, in such short time everything change.
im not sure if this is good change or not.
im having this little doubt.
little hesitation.
little suspect.
im not sure if this feeling is a defense reaction, or just simply couldnt fully believe.
anyhow, im working the best for myself.
i cant worry too much.
i cant afford to bother too much.
what comes around, goes around.
i'll let it flow.
i'll let everything goes with the flow.
but that doesnt mean im going to be cold hearted.
if my love is returned, my love will continue to pour.

deep cry

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
i had a very very very very.... long cry yesterday.
it just burst out of me.
the tears just flow like waterfall.
it's happened in my room.
all the while i've been thinking.
all the while i've been guessing.
all the while i've been hoping.
but the truth is not what's in my mind and heart.
this is another mistake.
this is another wrong.
this is not right.
i make another mistake.
a mistake that i told myself i wont do it again.
its hard to be me.
this is me.
although i changed, but there's something i cant change.
its in me.
its always in me.
whenever comes to the four letter word, im always fragile.
not only that, it turn me into a dumb ass.
stupid, stupid stupid and stupid.
some says is true, love makes you stupid. love makes you do stupid things.
thats is right in me. very very right in me.
i cant handle it.
i cant think about it right or wrong.
i cant analyze it.
i cant see the truth behind it.
i cant feel whats wrong about it.
because the 4 letter word just conquer me, whole me.
by the time i realize it, its too late to hold my feelings.
and just like a very sharp knife, cut through a chunk of meat.
that chunk of meat, is my heart.
its so pain.
my heart cry, cry and cry...
it always happen to me.
i couldnt help it.
i couldnt help myself.
this is one thing that i thought i never want to do.
but i just did and everything just happen.
my heart still crying while writting this..
and i still want to cry out.
because tears is part of my emotion.
i couldnt voice it out.
so i let my tears flow it out..
im human... forgive me if you think a man shouldnt cry.
all i gave to you... i never ask for any return.
i hope all things that i gave will make you the happiest and luckiest person in the world.
but when it happen, it just make me the opposite way, eventually...
i dont know why, but it happen to me all the time.
btw.... if im not mistaken... the first tear drop is from my left eye.

heart

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
sometimes i never know whats in your mind and in your heart.
because you just like a puzzle to me.
and im guessing all the time.
i would like to seek truth from you directly.
but time not right yet.
because you just wounded.
and i dont wanna cause you any hurt.
i wanna take care of you.
i wanna be there for you.
i wanna make you happy always.
i wanna be proud of you.
i wanna be with you most of the times.
but sometimes, i just dont know if im there in you or not.
i wish i am.
but i barely can see the picture clear sometimes.
all i can do now is wait for the right time.
at the same time, im keep puzzling with everything that happen.
we been together for sometime.
its not long time. its not short time.
but all the times, its fresh in my mind.
and i still can feel every emotion that went along all the way till present.
the first moment till the very now moment.
i wont be a perfect, and i wont wanna be a perfect.
i just wan to be the right one for you.
there are times i found myself when being with you.
and i wish i could have myself for the rest of the time, by being with you.
i will never ask for the best.
i will never ask for the most.
but i will work for the best.
and i will work for us the most.

dream

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
i have a dream.
everyone has.
but i dont know how true is my dream.
why we call it a dream?
is it really just a dream?
a dream that will never become reality and remain as a dream?
i always dreaming.
i dream something that i always wanted.
nothing materialistic.
i dream to have someone that can be mine.
i dream to have times spend with someone is mine.
i dream someone is mine beside me.
i dream someone there for me when i needed.
i dream i be her someone that is hers.
i dream i be there for her all the time.
i dream to spend for the rest of my remaining life with her.
isnt that her dream too?
i dont know.
life never been fair. but we always can balance it.
what's worth..
what's matter..
what's important..
what's first..
it's always you... all these times.
i dont care about others.
i dont mind about myself.
it doesnt matter about anything else.
because you are the reason.
because you are the one.
because you are matters.
because you make me.
dont you know?
i dont know if you know.
but i wish you know...
i wish you know what i knew.

wall

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
i never thought and expected same thing happen to me again.
okay, probably i expect a little bit, but not that worst.
when i close the door, it feels like i wana take anything, anything that can just stab my heart and feel the bloody pain than emotionally pain.
i thought i never gonna have this feeling again.
i thought i am feeling less
i thought i can finally be what i wanted to be.
but why????
why is this thing inside my chest giving me hard time?
it's like hell. it's like desert. it's like fire burning. it's like acid.
why there's thing called heart?
why there's thing called emotion?
why there's thing called feeling?
c'mon! can someone help me with this?
i dont wana take this anymore...
it's hard. u'll never understand.
im not crying. and i wont cry.
this is what all paid off. well done , myself... well done.
this is not first time. but i dont want this to be 'another time again'.
and it happened.
it just happened.
great. bloody great....
...im there for you.
i do what i want, i should, i could, i would, i will and whatever it takes.
just to take away your burden, your pain, your misery, your tears and your cry.
because i want to, i want all that to you.
i couldn't handle when your tears drop.
feels like flood in my heart.
i dont wish to see you down.
feels like end of the world.
i dont want to hear you cry.
feels like thunderstorm.
i want to see the color in you.
i want to hear the music in you.
i want to feel the warm in you.
i want to smell the cheerfully breathe from you.
i want to sense the optimistic energy from you.
dont you know?
cant you feel?
dont you see?
cant you hear?
if im not worth a concern from you, then let it be.
if im not anything in you, then let it be.
if im not anyone for you, then let it be.
i never was here. i never was myself.
because you might just the same as others.
but i wish you're not.. deeply and truly...

realize

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
i'm a human. i have emotions and feelings.
other than that, i have 1 pair of eyes, 1 brain and 1 heart.
with this 3 stuff, i analyze things.
im not expert. im not any specialist.
but this is my life. i know my life. i know myself. i know me.
i have been seeing alot; signs.
signs of human behavior. signs of human emotion. signs of human respond.
this humans, around me. surround me. and with me.
i knew eventually there's certain thing gonna happen to me when i notice this signs.
and it does. perhaps i dont want to believe the signs that i noticed.
it's just hit me. and i fall. and i hurt.
certain things still happening to me.
i try to hold myself. not to go back to the old me.
fortunately, im still the same new.
im a human. im new me.
doesnt mean im perfect.
doesnt mean im better.
doesnt mean im worst.
doesnt mean im damage.
i just changed.
there's things i unsure.
i need to be very clear of whats happening and whats gonna happen.
i dont wan to make the same mistake.
even-though i feel nothing, and i dont give a damn of most of the things.
i just wanna be safe, unharmed, unhurt and wishing for a good cause.

memories II

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
what's wrong with my life recently?
there's been twice, i repeat.. twice.
2 chapters from my history flip open to me.
why why and why.
questions and questions pop up in my mind.
for a moment, i thinking why god plan all this?
another second, i thinking why my life has to be like this?
another minute, i thinking what is actually gonna happen next?
puzzle, puzzle, life full of puzzles.
that's life isn't?
or probably this is some kind of law of attraction?
some people say that, if you dont seek for that 'thing', it will come to you eventually.
the more u seek, the more u wont find it.
how true is that?
well, nobody knows until it happens.
it's another text message from past.
a past i already delete. but i never forget.
this past, i remembered, i remember and i will remember.
because of this past, i am i today.
because of this past, is one of my life turning point.
i did reply. but no respon yet.
the reason is, im just curius.
why, why and why.
the answer only from the source of event.
not from me, not from god, not from life, not from anybody else.
just like an illness. you can't cure the illness unless u find the source that cause the illness.
dont u think that life is more like a Dick Tracy than a William Shakespeare?

memories

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
what makes a past memory recall?
what makes a past memory knock u at the door all of sudden?
i have no clue on this.
i received a text message.
it's from the past.
when i read what it says, i didnt feel anything at all.
it's not because i dont have feeling on this one.
it's because i dont know what to feel.
my life was stop for a moment. trying to figure out where am i.
there's few pages in my book that i will flip back and read.
not this one. not this past. not this page.
but this page finds me.
i keep thinking. why. and lots of why.
the truth is, if theres no answer for a question, its not a question.
but can i create an answer? if i can, im just lying to myself.
should i, or shouldnt i flip back the page and read it once?
one thing i realize; whenever we question something about our life, that shows we never live our life.
albert einstein said; if u can't explain it, u dont understand it at all.
alot of people questioning their own life. means alot of people never live and understand their own life.
is it meant to be that way? or we created to let someone understand our life and tell us about it?
human never learn to appreciate. but not all, only few.
we all live the same way. it's just the timing matter.
back to what happened, im still considering to get back the text message or not.
wait, i dont feel fear, i dont feel sad, i dont feel anything anymore. why should i think so much about it?

i feel

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
it's 8.55am. supposedly I just awake.
but i'm not. i saw myself yesterday.
i saw myself when the time of my relationship end
i saw myself when my world is starting to end.
i saw myself when the time i really seriously need someone by my side.
i saw myself when the time had stop.
i saw myself when i cry and pain and cry.
i cried not because im sad or upset.
i cried because i dont understand why it is end.
one man says- something that not meant to understand, is meant to accept.
if only i hear it early enough.
so i be there, for a soul.
a soul that just got hurt.
a soul that just got heart broken.
a soul that really needed someone.
a soul that believes it will be eternity but it's not.
a soul that in love so much but the love return no more.
i dont feel a thing, yet.
what i had in mind at that moment is, i should be there.
i should do something. i should be prepare. i should be ready.
because i understood. because i been through.
my body move itself. its like programmed.
without my mind thinks, without my heart feels.
i dont know this is right or wrong.
but all i know is, i should be there.
because i saw myself. and i am there for myself.
i can see that i am there for me.
at least this time, 'myself' in her not going through alone...

new thought

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
seriously, i really confuse.
where is my feelings? i am so curious.
i dont feel a thing. not like before.
at the same time, i am liking this way.
at least i dont feel the pain in my heart.
but i discovered something else.
i still having the same habit.
this habit of looking and seeing other people.
the only different is, i dont feel anything at all whenever i see and look at people.
i used to feel sad, upset, heart pain, disappointing, and regret whenever i look at other couples.
they remind me my love moments back time; how sad it is. how disappointed it is.
i commit myself. but seems like, my other half.. don't.
i work it out. but the game isn't one player game.
and it's all gone. it's all became history in my book, and i wont flip it back.
today is another yesterday. nothing change. still the same.
im ok wit it, for now.
i adore Marilyn Monroe.
her thoughts same with me. or should i say, my thoughts same with hers.
i decided to tattoo her portrait on my skin.
im still considering. im gonna design one of her.
she will be reminding me from time to time.
reminds me of everything. reminds me of my life.
reminds me of what's life. reminds me of myself.

new me

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
i felt different. i felt unusual. i felt abnormal, but this going to be normal for me.
i used to see beauty in everything, and it's the same till present, and forever.
because no one teach me what is beauty. but i discover myself.
still, no one could see that in me.
my heart used to feel pain, period. all the pains that remind me of what i've been through.
i'm so glad today that i realize, less and lesser pain in me.
unfortunately, other feelings follow the same.
i dont feel love, i dont feel happy, i dont feel joy, i dont feel afraid, i dont feel fear, i dont feel curious.
i'm not sure this is good or bad.
but i always wanted to be this way.
the best is, i want to be totally feeling-less.
my heart fill with emotions and feelings, used to be.
anything that i see, start with a tiny spark of feeling, and the feeling will grow more and more.
sometimes, the feeling changes. it could be from happy to sad. or sad to happy.
all that, is not happening to me anymore, soon.
i dont feel a thing today. but i know, there's so much of beautiful surrounding me.
i should be happy and feel joy. but i don't.
im guessing, this is the level where my heart died.
and i'm just like a walking empty bottle.
probably this is good for me, at least for now.
nice to meet you, the new me.

new chapter

another journey.
this is my book- my life.
after what i've been through, it's hard for me to believe it again.
i live by it. i'm alive by it. i believe in it. i am with it.
i'm not fear. i'm not afraid. it's not that i'm not, it's just not there in me.
kinda like, i don't feel anything anymore.
not like what i used to feel. i suppose i'm recovering.
but the memories not fully erase from my mind.
i'm trying to get over it.
it's just like a little maggot in my stomach.
crawling little bit by bit.
but i know i'm going to go through this moment.
time heals, that's what everyone say.
i agreed, but not totally.
these 4 letter word, getting extinct in my soul.
just like the ashes vanish in the wind, slowly.

today not as bad as i expected.
when a person in a certain point of emotional level,
the mind and soul will react in a different way.
all of sudden, i define my new life.
as if i am the new albert einstein.
and there's a few who agreed of what i defined.
my eyes seeing things differently.
my heart feel things unusually.
my mind doesn't work like used to.
today is not same as the usual days before.

like i said, this is a new chapter.

this is my book

my name is john. and this is my life, my book. i am the author of the book. im going to write stories. great stories, sad stories, happy stories, and lots more. this is a new chapter of my life.